Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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