He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
