this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
