She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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