Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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