I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The air was thick with penises
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
