Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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