I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
