Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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