it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just gift wrapped bread.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
