after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
