rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
