I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
