After last night, I could never be a politician.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
