You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
