WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I AM VODKA MAN
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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