I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
