he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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