my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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