Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
