In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
from now on my penis is your penis
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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