I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
