i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
