thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my liver is dry heaving
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
