Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
