I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
