i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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