He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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