4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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