I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
