Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He better not be in your backpack
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
