She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
