i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'm really busy with my period
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