Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
