Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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