i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
