I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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