If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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