I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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