he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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