You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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