Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
