Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
