I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dude i'm inner monologue high
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
