i already hear my dad disowning me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
