I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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