so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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