I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize