I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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