just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize