i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
