what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
