Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
