Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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