I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
