I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
